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Teenager parenting 101
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How to be a successful single father!
I became a single father a few years ago. But, i may have well been a single father years ago. After coming home to care for my children after work or even many cases of finding sitters for them and picking them up. My ex wife walked out on us and left me to put the pieces together. I worked hard to maintain a life for my family. But, then i had to be the mom and the dad. It was tough to maintain a balance and provide them with the life that they deserve. I think that it is important that I let you know why I am doing this and what I hope to accomplish. First, I am doing this because I believe that single dads deserve to have a voice in today’s society. They need to learn from each other about what works and what doesn’t work in their unique world. They need to be inspired and motivated to accomplish things that they never believed were possible when they became single dads. There are over 2.5 million of us out there. Imagine what we could do if we all worked together.
Now let me tell you my story. Five years ago I thought that I was “living the american dream” and in reality I was. I had a wonderful wife Sara, two beautiful children, a nice home, financial security, a successful business and many friends and family. I often wondered why I was so fortunate when others were not? Maybe I shouldn’t have wondered this so often because that “dream” was about to come crashing down at my door step. In 2003 I became aware that Sara had a drinking problem. Well I thought “no problem” I will just let her know that it needs to stop and life will go on. Funny how naive we can be with things that we don’t thoroughly understand. Little did I know that there were a lot of things I was about to not fully understand. Anyone who has ever been around alcoholism already knows what I was about to learn. You are not going to fix the problem, only the alcoholic is going to fix the problem. Well it took me an intervention and two rehab centers to learn that. I was powerless in my quest to help Sara. What I did learn very quickly was that I needed to help my children. I needed to help them process what was happening to our family. This was the beginning of me becoming a single dad.
I have to be honest, I often wondered how was I ever going to care for my children, get them to school, get them to activities, help with homework, deal with the emotional issues and try to make sense of it. I was convinced that my kids would become an anchor around my waist until Sara came back to us. I believed that I was about to start a long and slow drowning process. But to my surprise, just the opposite occurred. Those two wonderful kids became my motivation, my inspiration my reason to smile and my reason to do everything in my power to become a successful single dad. I researched, I studied, I asked for help and I relied upon my instincts. I was starting to figureout this Mr. Mom thing …and then came the divorce papers.
Well as anyone knows who has been through divorce first comes the separation. In my case Sara was required by the court to move out. Now I am officially a 24/7 single dad. No worries, just call up a babysitter set a schedule and head back to work. NOT… kids get sick, babysitters aren’t always available and who do you trust to be there with your kids when you are not? I was fortunate to have a friend of a friend home from college to help me during this time. I was starting to get back on track, or so I thought.
You see, my successful business was now starting to suffer. The income that I had always relied upon was starting to dry up. Darn, I now have an alcoholic wife, my children don’t have their mother at home, I am in the middle of a very costly and time consuming divorce, income is dwindling and expenses are growing and I am responsible for raising two healthy, happy and emotionally stable children. No problem per my mom. She loves to say the “God only puts as much on your shoulders as you can handle” I hate that saying because instead of being 6’1” tall I was starting to feel like I was 2’4” short. Well the divorce trudged on for two years but as everything else in life, it had an end. Divorces are never good. If you are considering one please do everything in your power to make it work first. You never want to look back and ask yourself “was there something else I could have done different”?
I am fortunate to be a very positive and optimistic person. I try to see the good in everything. As the old saying goes, the only difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist has more fun at living life. This was true for me because I embraced my new life with the kids as a gift from God. Although Sara was not living with us we were prospering in our lives. Sara would see the kids occasionally, but at least they knew she was there. And then the world stopped again for us.
In June of 2007 I received a call that Sara had passed away in her home at the age of 44. There is a strange finality to a call like that. First it numbs you, second it angers you and third it kicks you right in the gut. As an adult can never really prepare yourself for death, but as a child how do you even begin to make sense of it all? I had to tell my children what had happened to their mother. It was two days after school got out for their summer vacation. I will never forget the time of day, the location, or the reactions that we all had. It was truly surreal. I pray that none of you ever have to go through what we did on that day, or the days that followed. I also had to tell Sara’s 79 year-old mother, who was living in a nursing home, that the daughter she just adored, had died. Again I will never forget the emotions, location, and time of day that a wonderful woman found out that she had lost a child. Through out it all my only concern was everyone else. I had the responsibilities of children emotions, issues, estates and now caring for my 79, soon to be 80, year-old mother-in-law. Needless to say I had my hands full but God seems to have a way to help everyone out in their time of need. You see my mother-in-law was really never the same after her daughter’s death so in November of the same year God took her to be with her daughter in heaven.
I am still the most positive, lucky and blessed dad in the world. I have two amazing children who are developing into wonderful individuals at the ages of 12 and 14. Yes I have been through a lot but I have learned even more. It is with passion and conviction that I hope to create a blog that can help each of you with your challenges. You see if my children and I can survive and prosper as a healthy, happy and loving family so can you. Each week I hope to bring you stories and ideas that have truly benefited my family. I hope to inspire, motivate and encourage each of you and I hope that you will do the same for me. So until my next blog always remember that “Anyone Can Be A Father, It Takes A Special Person To Be A Dad”. To be successful, you have to devote yourself to the care and security of your children. You must always know where they are when they are away from you. You should maintain some sort of communication with the school they attend. Always participate in there learning. Go to the school functions; pta, school plays, carnivals, etc. follow-up with every progress report and report card with whatever action is needed whether it be good or bad. Discipline is important, but you have to always tell them when they have done a good job. You should always support a valliant effort. Being a single dad and trying to keep up with your everyday duties of work, bills and maintaining a home, can be very tough. Most dads find it dificult to cook a healthy meal for their children. I know there was many nights that it was a whole lot easier to order a pizza or throw some pizzas in the oven. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with that. The kids usually liked that. Putting together a healthy dish is not that hard. And you can make it very tasty for them as well. Anything you cook should contain the four basic food groups; meat, dairy, vegetables, and bread. If you feed them meals containing these, they wil grow and flourish to be whatever they want to be. The occasional junk meal like pizza, burgers, etc., is ok. There are some meals that my kids have really enjoyed. Vegetable beef stew, This is very healthy with lots of vegetables and meat. And you can add some corn bread to top it off. Steak and gravy, mashed taters, and corn was always a tasty treat. They loved my chicken enchiladas! Of course breakfast, you can never go wrong with pancakes and sausage. The art of being a single father
Parenting is undoubtedly a major responsibility, more so when the mantle falls on a single parent. And the modern men are also taking up the challenge of single parenting and go to any length to master the act of being a mummy.. AS SCHOOL kids we learnt that ‘parenting is a shared responsibility’. But with time it has changed. Today parenting can be a shared responsibility or a sole responsibility. Parenting without a partner certainly calls for a role play. Nobody ever said single parenting is easy. As parents, all learn with time. And yes, the new men are ready to take up the challenge. Be it legal, social, emotional and practical challenges they face. Father, the word that means so much, the pillar of support and their companionship means the world to all. However, mom is a mom and dad can’t replace mom and vice- versa. But they can try and act. The art of being a successful dad demands one to master the act of being a mummy. Divorced fathers, never-married fathers, widowers, and gay fathers all add up to the single father, who undergoes the difficult job of being a great dad. The daily household chores, shopping for kids, educational expenses, leisure activities and the never ending ‘to buy’ list can make many burned out. For Yudi, Swapnil and Kevin and Krishna, it’s a joyous experience and an inspiration for life. Let’s meet men of substance who have dared to be different, bold and beautiful.
Yudi, a fitness trainer from Bangalore is a divorcee and a proud father of a 10- year-old boy, Varun. "I have been close to my son since he was one year. It was really difficult to bring him up, as I was broken down completely when his mom left us. But life goes on and things took shape gradually. Today, when he says papa you are better than any mom and the best father, I feel my hardship has been rewarded," he admitted. For Swapnil Baneerjee the story is different, he lost his wife when his daughter was four. Since then it has been a life full of struggle for him and Rhea, who is 14 years old today. He said, "Looking back at life, I feel Rhea was a super girl. She was a tom boy, notorious and very sporty but matured as the situations developed. I have been tough dad to her, always keeping an eye on her. But always loved her from the core of my heart and today she knows all I did was for her good; now more of a friend than a father to her. She is the chef of our kitchen and really cooks well. Yet, till today when I say no it means a no to her." Tears rolled down as he let his emotions out, Rhea came to her father’s rescue and added, "Pa has always been good to me. It was me, the pesky pet who always troubled him. But now I have changed, look I can prepare food, clean my house and also get good grades in class. What more you need. Hain na pa." Both smiled and laughed out.
True, we all agree love requires trust and trust requires honesty. Legal bonds are a passé, with youngster on the move, live-in relationship has its own place. To be loved and staying together happily is more important than an eventful party to be termed married. Relationship is a complex formula that works out differently for different individual. You can be with a person when (s)he is away from you or act like strangers even after being together under one roof. It’s all in one’s thought, mind and heart. Being an actively involved single dad isn’t going to be easy. But looking at these men who have been a successful single father it is possible. All you need is time, patience and proper planning.
What do Thomas Jefferson, Davy Crocket, Pierre Elliot Trudeau, and Mark Mcgwire have in common? They are all single dads! Households headed by a single father are the fastest growing segments of the population. Up 62% in ten years, according to the 2000 census.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR KIDS
Anyone can communicate effectively, and with success, if they just understand who it is they are communicating with. How I speak to my son can at times be very different from how I communicate with my daughter. And then again sometimes it is exactly the same. I always try and put myself in the other person's shoes to fully create a dialogue. When this works it is music to your ears and when it doesn't well...watch out. Tips for Entertaining a Sick ChildOnly parents know how difficult it can be to take care for a sick child. In this article you will find some creative way comfort and entertain your child with some light games.
If your youngster likes pets, and most of them do, try having a goldfish bowl nearby or a tiny turtle, or a tadpole or two in the bowl. Of course a bird is company too, but if you don't already have one it would run into more money than these other pets I have mentioned. Dogs are usually too active to have in the room, and cats are usually frowned upon as sickroom pets by the medicos.
If the child must have medicine on schedule, make a medicine clock out of a paper plate. Use cardboard hands secured with a metal paper fastener. Then set the hands on the medicine clock at the time when the next dose is to be taken. Place near this a real clock. When the hands on the real clock coincide with those on the medicine clock, even a rebellious youngster will think it fun to remind you that it's medicine time. At least he'll be mentally prepared for the visit of bottle and spoon.
A play clock can be made in a similar manner. Perhaps the invalid will enjoy making this second clock himself. On this clock set the hands ahead every hour. When the real clock catches up to the play clock the young patient will enjoy an automatic change of occupation.
Another interesting sickroom adjunct is a bulletin board. This needs to be no more than a large sheet of paper on the wall. On it post messages for the doctor, news from Dad's office, and cartoons snipped from the current papers or magazines.
And don't forget pinwheels or windmills. They are lots of fun for young patients. Take a piece of colored construction paper about four inches square and cut or tear from each corner to within three-fourths of an inch of the center. Pick up on the end of a pin piercing from the back to the front four alternate half corners. After you have the four half corners on the pin, put the point through the exact center of the paper and mount the wheel on the end of a stick or against some flat surface where the wind will make it whirl. The eraser end of a pencil is a good spot on which to stick your windmill.
Youngsters will spend oodles of time blowing the windmill, or the wind will blow it if it is fastened in an open window. To add variety to the windmill making, let the child use white paper and color designs on the square before it is pinned into shape. If they are busy they are more likely not to complain and feel pain. Make them feel comfortable and fun
How to Deal with Teens with Attitude
With a new school year starting, many parents find themselves gearing up for another round of bad attitudes and power struggles with their kids. Teens and pre-teens especially seem to have an “I don’t care,” or “Why bother?” attitude about school, homework and their other responsibilities, whether it be chores around the house or a part-time job. Do you find yourself asking your teen, “How will you ever make it in life if you don’t take these things seriously now?”
My friend “Thomas” describes what happened with her teenage son last year: “Our 17-year-old has the worst attitude about school. He refuses to do any homework, says it's stupid and ‘doesn’t have anything to do with the real world.’ He tells us that he doesn’t even need to go to school in order to get a good job – all he has to do is get 'really good at video games' because he believes he can get a high paying job ‘testing’ them without graduating from high school. When I tell him I don't think this is going to happen, he rolls his eyes, looks at the ceiling, and lets out a big, over-dramatic sigh – in general behaving like I’m a naïve grown-up, with absolutely no understanding of what life is like today.”
Any attempt Thomas has made to talk with him about school, getting a “regular” job, or even about concrete steps he might take to actually get one of those game testing jobs is met with the “adults don’t know anything” attitude. “He has such a sense of entitlement and a complete misunderstanding of reality. He has this idea that life is going to be so easy – no work, no schedules, no need to do anything he doesn’t want to. It drives me crazy to see him wasting his time like this, when he should be focusing on school so he can get into college and get a real job. His attitude is: ‘Why should I? I’m better than other people.’ How can I change his attitude and make him see reality?”
Does any of this sound familiar?
Parent Support Line specialists often hear from parents who feel frustrated at their teen’s lack of acceptance of responsibilities and their abundance of “bad attitude.” Whether it’s doing well in school or keeping a job, some kids just don’t seem to care about doing good work. Many teens have what James Lehman calls a “dreamer” mentality– they believe that an exciting, high paying job will simply land in their laps, and therefore getting good grades or taking a less-than-perfect job is seen as unnecessary.
The danger is that kids use that fantasy to justify their poor attitude around their responsibilities. When faced with their child’s entitlement, apathy, or lack of interest in work or school, parents get caught up in trying to make their children understand and accept the adult point of view. They try to get their kids to be “realistic” about their futures, and work hard so that they have the skills they need in life. I think parents also get frustrated at the lack of effort their kids show, and then worry about what kind of life their child is going to have if they don’t start taking life more seriously.
If you are in the thick of this kind of power struggle with your teen, you probably want him or her to listen to your speeches about the importance of hard work, and adopt a much better, more appreciative attitude. I have something to tell you: that is not going to happen. No matter how great, or how based in reality your argument is, you can’t force your child to think about the world the way that you do, and to adopt your experiences and your perspective. You can’t make them have a “better” attitude. Teens often have an apathetic or dismissive attitude about anything other than what they want to do. When you focus on trying to change your child’s attitude, you’re setting yourself up for frustration. As James Lehman says, "You can't feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings." In order to feel effective and empowered in your role as a parent, you need to learn to ignore the apathetic, all-knowing attitude and focus on your child’s behavior. Let them know what is expected of them in your home, what your rules are, and what the consequence will be if they can’t figure out a way to comply with those rules and expectations.
For example, if your middle school child says, “I hate English! Why should I do my homework—this is stupid!” You can say, “I know you think your English assignment is stupid. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to finish it. You know the rules – no access to any electronics until your homework is completed. So how can you help yourself get it done?”
Don’t make the mistake of trying to get your child to “want” to have good grades, or “want” to get a job. That’s not likely to happen, either. You aren’t going to transform your child’s attitude about the world, or their place in it. Rather, it's your responsibility as a parent to help your child learn the skills they need to make their way in the world. Those skills are the same even if your child wants to do something you think is highly unlikely. You never know, maybe they will get a job as a video game tester, if that’s what they really want! Just don’t try to convince them that you are right and they are wrong. Don’t try to get them to stop resisting and start being “realistic.” Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change, and ignore the attitude. Focus on getting your teen to meet his responsibilities in the here and now—homework, chores, curfew. Once they leave your house, they are free to use the skills you’ve helped them learn—or not.
For my friend Thomas, change came when he used the techniques from the Total Transformation Program and told his son, “You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, but you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. That means doing your homework, making decent grades, and getting a part-time job.” he also told his son that if he refused to comply with the house rules, he would experience consequences. To get things started, he told him he could not drive the family car until he'd filled out and dropped off three job applications. Within a month, he'd taken a job at a local fast food restaurant. Although he still insists that the adults don’t know anything, his father feel much less helpless.
Remember, there’s a pay-out for focusing on your kid’s behavior and not his attitude: you’ll be teaching them one of the greatest lessons of all—how to be accountable in the real world.
Developing Communication Skills In Children
The outburst of technology and the widespread of Internet have made the lives easier. Social networking has become easier than it had been ever before, but the dilemma of times is deploying local communication among the masses. Local communication, must say a better local communication is an essential for any social setup. Being in contact with local people either through a speech or writing, direct communication or using an external medium, i.e. radio, TV etc is as important as it?s to be in contact with the people worldwide. And so, we need better communication skills.
Communication skills though can be enhanced in any age, but the most suitable is childhood. Skills developed during this age long last and ensure a successful communicator. Preparing your children for being leading communicators in future is one the responsibilities of parents so don?t ignore it. The future success of your child entirely depends on the communication skills he has, and the development of such needs a little time and attention at your end.
There are a number of ways to boost communication skills among children, but the root of all is "knowledge" and the interpretation of words. Knowledge increases with the experience, but an individual cannot experience thousands of situations in a limited time. A way to experience thousands of feelings is to observe them and they can easily be done either by reading or watching. So, the best way to enhance communication skills in children is to let them experience maximum number of situations and feelings, have them observe a lot of scenes, let them explore the characters etc through watching television and reading books. Reading books can be much effective as parents can provide the best books and control the process to a greater extent, while chances of misusing the television in young children are relatively larger.
Finally discussion, that brings out the hidden skills of children; so discuss more and more, i.e. what they?ve read, watched, observed, thought etc. Discussing all these will construct a bridge, helping children to develop their communication skills on one hand and befriend to parents on other. This leads them sharing their problems and analyzing and solving others? problems.
Give your children a small amount of time out of your stringent schedule and let them explore the world of communication and become successful.
BUILD A FOUNDATION THAT FOSTERS COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR CHILDREN
We all know the scenario of the uncomfortable, nervous parent who one day decides he is going to sit his son down for the proverbial talk on the "birds and the bees". The father is all flustered and beats around the bush, never coming to the point or saying anything of substance. Why is Dad so flustered? Aside from the fact that many of us are uncomfortable discussing "the birds and the bees" with anyone let alone our children, the fact remains that this Dad has probably not had a lot of experience having many "heart to heart" discussions with his son. When it comes time to have a really "important" talk, this Dad has not had a pool of experiences to draw upon in which he has practiced communicating with his son. How can one feel comfortable discussing the really important things that come up in life unless you have had a set of experiences in which you were able to practice this skill in a comfortable setting?
Let me give you an example from my own experience. My son Michael and I were volunteering one day at the local domestic abuse shelter. That day our job was to sort various boxes of supplies in the stockroom and put the items on the appropriate shelves. There were many, many boxes filled with all sorts of toiletry supplies, clothing and toys. Michael, age 9, would pull various items from the boxes and I would help him find the correct shelf on which to place the item. We spent quite awhile doing this, chatting pleasantly about this and that. All of a sudden Michael exclaimed to me, "Hey, Mom! This looks like sale day at K-Mart!" As funny as this statement may sound, I knew that this exclamation afforded me a perfect teaching moment with my son.
"Hey, Michael!" I casually retorted to my son. "Why do you think that it looks so much like sale day at K-Mart here? Look at all those shelves filled with shampoo over there. And here are boxes filled with toothpaste and toothbrushes. Over there are all sizes of pajamas and clothing. Why do you think they have all this stuff here? You know, Michael, when people come to the shelter here, often times they have left their homes very quickly. Someone is hitting them or their children and is going to hurt them. Many times they come here with only the clothes that they are wearing. Many times they stay here for a while. They don't come with a suitcase full of stuff. They have only the little bit of things that they could carry here. So they need toothpaste and shampoo and changes of clothes. And you know, see that Christmas tree over there packed away in the corner? Some people have to leave their homes because it is too dangerous for them to be there. They may have to spend a holiday or a birthday here. How do you think that they feel having to do something like that?"
This volunteer experience afforded me a perfect educational moment with my son. I did not have to sit him down and bellow, "Son, sit down! I want to discuss with you the very important issue of domestic violence in our community!" Instead, in a very casual, comfortable way, I could talk with him using objects that he was familiar with and in language that he could understand about the realities of domestic violence in our community. I could ask him about his feelings and opinions. I could talk with him as a friend or a mentor. He could ask me my thoughts, and afterwards we could go out together and talk further over an ice cream cone at a local ice cream store.
Parenting Tips - Communication Plays a Major Part in Parenting
There is a large amount of organizations out there that are willing to give out parenting tips. Yet some of the people that give out the tips have no children of their own. Some wonder if they have no children of their own just how can they actually help others with any problem that they might have in their house.
Did you know if you ask that question to one of the many companies no one can seem to answer you with a satisfactory answer.
One main tip that you could received, that would help out any parent is that don't let your children run your life you are the parent and you need to set the boundaries and keep everyone in sync with each other.
About the only way that is going to be done is by listening to each other and not start a yelling battle when something does not go the way that you want it. That would just make everything worse when you start a yelling battle with the children.
When they start to yell just look at them and tell them that you are no longer going to continue the conversation until they have a chance to cool down and stop yelling. Really if all you are doing is yelling at each other nothing is going to be understood and nothing does really get accomplished.
Then what is the use of trying to have a conversation? The other thing is that you need to remember that your family comes first and you need to treat each one of them equally.
That way there is no one saying that one gets more than the other does all the time. Believe it or not at one time or another they will all start the jealousy act with you.
Did you know that the best tip that you could ever receive is that your kids are one gift that is the greatest present in the world and nothing could ever take their place? Everyone just needs to just sit back and look at the greatest gift and blessing of all.
A Few Easy Steps To Active Listening
It is not very often that you come across someone who really listens to you. Most people generally feel like they are not being heard. Listening actively is one of the best gifts you could ever offer to someone. With a few easy steps you can learn how to listen well to others. Listen for the following:
What they are saying.What they are not saying.How they are saying it.What their bodies are showing you. Their tone of voice. Are they blaming something or someone or are they accepting responsibility? What inspires them and motivates them?What frightens or restricts them?
Most importantly listen for their magnificence and for the extraordinary qualities they possess. AND ... let them know how well they are doing. It is all too common to give others advice and to point out where they are going wrong. Make them aware of their uniqueness, accomplishments and successes, no matter how small they may be. Just for once, hold back on passing judgment, opinion and of giving advice. Listen to what the person is saying. Tune into them, be present and don't think of all the hundreds of other things you might need to be doing that day. By doing this, the person will feel cared for, understood and welcomed. Let them speak 80% of the time and give effective feedback 20% of the time. Not an easy task, but I am sure you will also gain from holding your tongue, not jumping in at every opportunity and interrupting.
Really try and understand what they are trying to say. Ask them to elaborate on what they mean and help to move them out of a space of worry, stress and anxiety. Pay close attention to what you hear, what you notice and search for ways of responding that will help them to make decisions. By waiting for others to finish off their own sentences and by giving them an opportunity to be truly heard and understood, you will be giving them a chance to feel like they really do matter and do count. A difficult or impossible task, some may say, but with willingness and practice you can do it and it works! Not only for them, but for you too - in ways you could never imagine. Try it out!